b e a u t y in the b r e a k d o w n
by ohgleegasms
Summary: Leah Clearwater tries to recover from her heartbreak over losing Sam. Is there salvation to be found, or shall she break down forever? Rated M for mature themes, violence and language.
1. Chapter 1

"Leah…? Did you hear me?"

Pulled from my trance, I blink and shake my head slightly, slipping away from the daydream into which I had fallen, permitting my gaze to land upon my younger brother. "Seth, I – what?" I ask him, oblivious to the fact that he has already asked me three times. With an exaggerated eye roll he heaves a loud sigh and attempts once more.

"I _said _that Sam called a pack meeting tonight, I wanted to know if you were going."

Did I have a fuckin' choice?

Holding back a sigh of annoyance, I nod my head slightly. "Of course I am," I respond smoothly, glancing away from his gaze. "As the Alpha calls so I shall follow. It is to these words that I remain bound." I speak softly, reverently – as though I humbly adore the ties that bind me to the occult. When I was a child I would fancy such fantasies; embrace such oddities. Now that I am a monster, however, the appeal has long since faded.

"Good," he states with a wide grin. "I'm excited for our first meeting, aren't you?"

Excited? I would rather hang myself with barbed wire, I think to myself, but I simply cannot speak of such things before my brother. Instead I nod, slowly, deliberately, as I meet his gaze again. "Of course," I state blandly, void of all emotion. "It will be fabulous." Actually, it will be anything _but_ fabulous; we will be in wolf form, and I will be stranded for my thoughts will no longer remain my own. I dare not make eye contact with Sam tonight – I cannot let him, let anyone, see me aching as I do. Biting my lip nervously, I brush a stray hair from my cheek and shift my weight in my chair before getting up from the table, heading to my room. "Get me before you leave," I murmur casually, whisking myself to the depths of the only privacy I now possess.

Falling onto my bed I feel the tears well over in my eyes, cascading down my tanned cheeks. I bite back sobs, not wishing to alarm my family members; rendezvousing with the emotions that greet me every day. Sam is gone, Dad is gone – slowly I am losing _everyone_ around me. I tremble, drawing my quilt around my shoulders in search of comfort; though I find none. My glance catches my reflection and I stare at it for a moment before turning away, now ashamed. I am not beautiful, not as he wishes. It is no wonder he has imprinted upon my cousin, Emily. So graceful, so perfect – she will give him _everything_. And I will be left again with nothing.

Time passes, but I am standing still. I do not hear Seth knock upon my door, nor as he enters my room. I awake only when I am touched by him, shaken from my slumber, his whispers reaching my ears. "Leah – LeeLee, wake up," he pleads with me. I shake him away from me, stung by his use of Sam's nickname for me and he recoils, burned by my coldness. I cannot apologize, but he does. "I'm – I, yeah, sorry Leah. C'mon time to go," he whispers, begging me now; so I rise. I get to my feet and move, considering before I follow him into the night.

Darkness embraces us. We vanish into the woods on separate paths, stripping down in solitude to transform and then reunite again. He prances ahead, gaily, running an incessant slew of excited thoughts about our first pack meeting. I try my best to remain silent within my mind; incapable of sharing in his gaiety. In fact, I find it irksome – how warmly he greets this new change within us. It is as though he has forgotten our sorrows; forgotten that my father _died_ because of my changing. It is _my _fault, and had the Cullens not spread this fever to us my father would still be alive. But does this shatter Seth? No; he simply continues on his merry way as though this was his dream all along.

But it's not my dream – when do I get a say in what path my future takes?

Begrudgingly I halt beside Seth, the first and second to the circle where we meet. His anxiety has brought us here early and I groan slightly, sitting back on my haunches. I ignore every canine urge to scratch my ear or nibble an itch along my spine: I will not get down on my knees for the monster within me. Civilly I settle, forcing my mind to be devoid of as much thought as possible. It is not until I hear his voice that I am roused from my stony silence.

"Seth, Leah – so glad to see you both here finally," comes his murmuring tone, deep and warm. I shudder slightly, glancing over my shoulder to meet those big, dark brown eyes that drone so lovingly into mine. But – it is not love. Not anymore. I swallow and say nothing, reverting my gaze to the tree beyond where I sit; fixated upon the bark. I try to tune him out, praying I do not lose control. But as Seth greets him warmly and the two continue to chatter I simply break down and die.

I am lying upon my stomach with my head upon my paws when Jacob appears. He pauses before me, his chestnut coat shimmering in the full moon's pallid light, reaching down to nudge me gently with his large muzzle. Right paw bats him away, not desiring sympathy in any form – but the sadness from his gaze does not fade. I stare into his eyes a moment, captivated by my best friend's empathy, and I feel myself shattering.

Shards of my wholeness splinter all within reach.

_I cannot – Jacob I just can't_, I plead with him, praying the rest simply ignore me. _I hate being here, I hate feeling this way_…

_God, can it Leah_, snaps Paul. I can hear his throaty voice within my mind, though it does not resonate over the air. _We hear enough of Jacob's pining for Bella, this is the last shit I want…_

_Paul back the fuck off_, Jacob interrupts, a growl searing the air as it forms within his throat. He is suddenly menacing, looming above me, bristling as Paul approaches. They stare at one another and I begin to growl too, getting to my feet. My smaller gray body is hardly as intimidating, but the sounds I make could extinguish fire. Standing between the two I feel no fear, preparing myself to rip Paul in half. But just as my haunches bunch together, sinews tensing, I feel myself landing on my back. My eyes are glaring into Sam's and I feel no ground beneath my feet.

He is on top of me, growling in my face. With cowardice I tremble, trying to push him from me – but he does not release his grip. _Leah, stop. All of you, knock it off; we have business to discuss. _He leaps from me, so gracefully so, and returns to his appointed head of the circle and I struggle to my feet. Annoyance flusters my features, mixed with embarrassment, as I gather the shame of being chastised. Jacob shoots me another sympathetic look, clearly irate that I was the one to be punished. But the expression Sam bears is one that can detonate further explosions and thus, we fall silent.

I can feel Paul's pride embracing him, every ounce of me longs to rip his throat from his neck. I can feel my body tensing, but the touch of Jake's muzzle against my shoulder brings me back to reality. I cannot cause arguments over this; I must simply learn to block the thoughts from my mind in their presence.

So Sam begins to speak.

He drones about the Cullens, about Bella, about stray vampires and hunting. I grow idle, for I care not for any of the above. I wish Bella would disappear, so Jake's torment could end. I wish the Cullens had never existed, so I would be normal. I did not want to hunt, hated the idea of killing anything with my bare paws – I want nothing to do with these so-called obligations of being shifters. I want my own life back, I pine for normalcy. I miss being… me.

And I miss him being… him.  
I miss him being... mine.


	2. Chapter 2

I am pulled from my mental mourning by the sound of my name resonating across the still night air.

_Leah? What shift do you want Leah?_ Sam's voice echoes in my mind and I deliver a vague look of confusion in his direction. Shift? I glance to Jacob then to Seth – on either side of me – seeking assistance in getting to my feet. But before they can explain, Sam decides. _That's alright, you can run midnight to six with me, Seth will go with Jacob from six to midnight._ I fight the grimace that taunts my features, though my stomach churns in frustration. Great; my lack of paying attention has delivered me to the paws of the devil. I give Jacob a forlorn look, shattered, and he mimics it. We are the only ones who understand one another; it is torture to be separated.

The conversations continue and I can think nothing but of my bitterness toward Sam, toward Emily, toward the Cullens. Other voices pry into my mind, chastising me for my lack of silence and my inability to focus upon the meeting – but I ignore them. None shall ever know how it feels to be where I am today.

I am to be forever misunderstood.

My heart aches by the close of the meeting and I deny Jacob's invitation for a midnight fire with the guys. He looks disappointed but fades with the majority of the pack in tow, and just as I am departing alone, I hear my name being whispered within my mind. _Leah… please wait… _

I turn, grimacing slightly within my head as I see him staring at me. _Go – go home to Emily,_ is all I can muster, trembling slightly as I give him all that I can find within me. _I am fine._

He growls lightly. _Clearly fine, Leah,_ comes his patronizing tone that brings me to bristle in anger. _I know you are hurt, but for the sake of the pack it would be good of you to act as though you care even if you do not._

I growl loudly, glaring daggers in his direction. _Care? I fuckin' care. I care that my friends, my family are nothing but monsters who risk their lives to protect Bella Swan because she's head over heels for a damn leech. I care that my life has been ripped to pieces because of what we are. I care that I've lost everything because of this curse!_ I explode upon him, trembling as menacing growls intermittently penetrate my words. _Don't tell me I don't care, Sam; you don't know me like you wish you did._ The words leave me before I wish for them too and are left hanging in the air, suspended by threads of hatred and remorse. He gives me a mournful look, filled with sorrow, before turning and leaping gracefully through the woods; vanishing.

My heart shatters and I am flying over the damp ground – retreating to my home. My tail is tucked between my legs, loose stones scattering beneath my weight as I move quickly; easily the fastest and tiniest wolf of the pack. When I reach home I morph and slip through my window without dressing, feeling the tears overwhelmingly pouring down my cheeks before they fall onto my pillow.

Will this agony never end?

The sobs carry long into the night and I forget to care if anyone hears me. Seth is with Jacob and I have no doubt that my own mother is crying herself to sleep or passed out from exhaustion hours before. Finally, though, as I believe I can cry no longer I feel my eyes drying and my throat is silenced. The anguish never fades, but dehydration takes its toll. I draw my legs to my chest; cradling my knees as I feel my mind roaming with memories. I remember happy times, peacefulness, love. I remember what it felt like to be normal. But so quickly these realities fade; perfection has faded into mayhem. My life is in shambles.

When the time nears four in the morning, I cannot handle being here any longer. I slip into a light-weight dress, grab something from my dresser and vanish into the woods alone. Seth has yet to return, but I know he is safe with Jacob. He will never know I am gone, and neither will my mother. Not until it is too late.

It takes me over an hour and a half to reach the place I search. As dawn just slowly begins to kiss the corners of the earth, I find myself within a peaceful meadow amongst the mountains. It reeks of Edward, of Bella, of the pack; it smells of foreign vampires that have trespassed. In my solitude I fall to my knees and begin to cry again, staring at the glittering object I hold within my clenches. The first rays of golden sunlight catch it, an iridescence surrounding me. For a second I am blinded, then captivated as I turn it around and around, mind wavering in sanity.

As the first slicing cut breaks the skin, I bite down upon my lip to force myself from crying out in agony.

It is not the blade of the pocketknife from my father that hurts so badly as the losses I have endured. As the crimson blood taints my darkened skin, I quaver and shut my amber eyes. The tears continue to fall and I finally release a vicious scream – visualizing Sam's face when he told me _we were done_. The knife blade continues to slice into my flesh so easily, like carving butter or whittling the tender wood of a sapling. I lie back into the grass and wait; praying it will be over. Moments pass, I open my eyes and glance down at my skin.

The wounds still bleed bitterly, though not fervently; the healing as already begun. Cursing the monster I have become, I throw the knife in my anger and watch it disappear into the thick sea of grass beyond me. My heart sinks – my father's knife – but I shake the thought away. He would not wish for his own possession to end my life; it is best to leave it for someone else to cherish. Getting to my feet I glance around me, confused.

Then I spy it.  
A large oak, rising to the skies.  
Embraced in an entanglement of vines, it calls to me.

Heaving in a deep breath I approach the tree and for a moment, pause. Fear ensnares me but I continue to move, climbing readily up the large trunk and perching steadily upon the swinging vines. It takes me a few moments of cautious seeking to find that which I desire, and once I do I sigh with relief. The tender vine – younger than the majority – is pliable and smooth, yet strong. I twist and knot it crudely, approving of the ghastly sight before placing it around my neck.

Wish a last cry for salvation I leap from the haven and feel myself falling; suspended.  
Finally I am to be free again; free as the birds, free to own myself.  
Finally… I can be…


	3. Chapter 3

The first thing of which I am aware is the smell that surrounds me.  
The second thing of which I am aware is that I am still breathing.

I glance around me and do not recognize the environment in which I am resting. I am on my back in a foreign bed, crisp yellow walls surrounding me. They are almost buttercup in hue, somewhat blinding in my waking moment, and I blink. I can smell antiseptic and something else; it takes a moment for it to register within my mind. _Vampires_. I cringe slightly, trying to shift my body upright; I feel intoxicated, weighed down. _They've drugged me_. Every possible situation crosses my mind, fearing that they have taken me to punish my family, to punish my tribe, to punish _Sam_.

The door opens and I bristle. A smiling face appears and I snarl in response; though in my lethargic state, my ability to transform has apparently waned. I watch steadily as Carlisle approaches me, his smile never fading despite my feral snarls. I suppose he has nothing to fear when I am incapable of returning to my more suitable form for battle. "Leah," he breathes, his voice ringing gaily like church bells. I am stunned for a moment, freezing and silent. As though like a god he moves to me, floating toward me, glowing radiantly. I simply nod, unable to find my tongue. "Esme found you," he states then, as though it would explain _everything_. "She called me to your side, you were in quite a state indeed." He is silent, watching me. He pauses before moving to a chair beside my bed; a chair that, until now, I had not noticed. "Is it so terrible?" he asks then, studying me. "I asked Edward not to tell me the thoughts on your mind, I am left to my own devices. Is it so terrible?"

His voice is tender, yet I cannot fight the anger that burns within me. He is what made me become this monster – because of him and his clan, I have lost everything that matters. My life, my father, _Sam_. I snarl again, though weaker than before; trying not to breathe in the burning smell of his existence. "I don't know what you're talking about," I hiss coolly, struggling against the sleep aid he had given to me earlier. "I need to go home," I add casually; acting as though I am not terrified when, in truth, I am.

His smile weakens slightly. "I know what it's like to be a monster," he murmurs. "It is not what we become, Leah, but what we make of ourselves that defines our purpose." The words are uttered so simply and I simply stare at him. Such audacity!

He looks as though he may continue, but I rudely interrupt. "I believe I had but no choice in becoming a monster," I growl at him. "I became what I am because of _you_. I lost my father, I lost my normal life, I lost the one to whom I would devote my life – all because of you!" I am enraged now, suddenly realizing my arms are restrained, permitting me to do nothing. "You think I want to die because of that flaw which I cannot change? It is not the monster that kills me, but the consequences of being one. I have _nothing_ for which to live without Sam. Nobody could love a… werewolf." I am more subdued now; a wave of relaxation pouring over me. I am oblivious to Jasper, perched in the doorway, soothing me with his 'gift.'

"It is not easy, Leah; to face the consequences of the choices we make combined with our fate," he agrees softly and though I want to argue, I cannot. "But ending your life will solve nothing. Your family needs you. Your pack needs you. It would break your mother to lose her husband and daughter so soon – and your brother?" He leaves these words to hang in the air and I am embraced by guilt.

My mother; she must be worried by now. I do not even know how many days have passed. "I need to see her," I whisper softly, swallowing the lump within my throat.

He nods. "She knows you are here. She believes you have taken ill – I could not bear to tell her how we had found you," he admits and he looks ashamed to speak of such lack of verity. I want to scoff, I long to snarl and hiss; I can find nothing. I am torn: angry that he did not let me die, yet grateful he has saved me from hurting my family. I do not believe Sam or the pack would miss me… but as my mother's face flashes within my mind, I am resolute. I must care for her…

Carlisle unravels the bandage from my right arm and smiles approvingly. "Such a gift," he states, marveling over my arm that bears not even a trace of a scar. "You were bleeding so profusely when Esme found you; now you have no physical reminders." He needs not to elaborate, for I comprehend the meaning well. I will never escape this within my mind, but I will bear no scars for others to notice. "The muscle relaxer will wear off soon," he continues, "I do hope you understand, we could take no chances. I did not wish to engage a snarling wolf upon your waking." His smile is somehow soothing and I roll my eyes, shrugging in response.

I feel guilty for what I have done and my heart is aching. I will not give him the satisfaction of kindness, for it is so estranged from me since Sam's departure. But I muster up some graciousness. "Thank you."

I drifted to sleep – I am unsure for how long. I awoke to find my hands unbound, a note beside the bedside table. iDear Leah, I hope you will take what I said to heart. You are beautiful, inside and out; a treasure whose loss would be deeply mourned. Let no one hold you back – let your actions define you, rather than the 'monster' you feel yourself to be. You will always be welcomed as an ally and a friend to this house. Best, Carlisle./i I stare at the note for a moment, emotions fluttering in a hurricane of confusion and I am oddly touched. I crumble the note in my palm, but tuck it into my pocket, before I get to my feet and glance at the door.

The glance lasted two seconds before I had bolted, leaping from the second story window onto the soft ground below me. I hear Emmett calling to Edward and Carlisle about my 'escape' but none attempts to catch me. I growl inwardly. i While you're in there, Edward, erase Sam from memory./i I find myself chuckling as I realize what I have actually permitted myself to portray to him, continuing forth into the woods.

Despite my earlier desires to die, running along the path toward home makes me feel… free.


	4. Chapter 4

Upon entering our small house in the heart of the woods, I find my mother's small arms embracing me. "Leah, my darling Leah; oh my goodness I am so glad you are alive!" She then continues to ramble – in Quileute – over my well-being and her concern for my safety. I chuckle softly, hugging her back; my heart aching over the realization of how badly I had frightened her. I cannot deny my selfishness now.

She does not let go, and I finally speak to ease the pain. "I am fine, mother. I had fallen ill, Carlisle and his wife found me." I realize the moment I open my mouth that perhaps I should have let her speak first, rather than interject. What if my lie does not align with his?

I am relieved to feel her release me so she can look up into my dark eyes, her own glistening with tears. "He told me – so kind of him to care for you. You look perfectly fine now," she soothes, taking my hand and dragging me to the dining room table. "Your brother is asleep but he will be so glad to see you, and I have soup for you my dear. Please, sit, momma will care for you."

Realizing that protesting with her will get me nowhere, I settle on a chair as she vanishes down the hallway. Seth suddenly bursts into the dining room, hugging me wildly. "I missed you Lee-lee! I was so scared!" I cannot even find it in my heart to chastise him for calling me the one name I despise most in this world, so I instead smooth his hair and return the hug, admitting that I, too, was glad to be 'home and feeling better.' Such lies torment my soul, but I dare not tell them the truth. It would break my mother's heart.

I realize as I eat my mother's stag stew that it is nearly six in the evening, two days after my incident. I stare at the calendar for a moment, realization striking me. I run the midnight shift with Sam tonight. The knowledge sinks to my gullet with a thud that I swear is audible to the household, yet nobody seems to notice my forlorn expression. Seth heartily downs five large bowls of stew before my mother tells him to save some for the rest of the family; she herself does not eat, preferring to stare as her children live, breathe and eat at her table once more.

Pains of guilt surge through me as I feel her eyes upon me. How could I have been so selfish?

After the painful (for me, anyway) meal, I excuse myself to my bedroom. I lie that I am exhausted and wish to lie down and perhaps that is not entirely false. Though my body now feels revitalized, my mind is flailing. Guilt, shame and perhaps anger and sadness are intertwined within me; I must rest before I have to spend an evening in Sam's company. Without realizing it, I collapse backward onto my bed and let my eyes close as I drift off to sleep.

It is ten o'clock in the evening when I awake with Seth at my side, whispering that momma has prepared dinner for us both, knowing I was to have a late night. Drowsily I get to my feet and stumble to the table again, enjoying a savory meal of stag steaks and fresh garden vegetables. My mother silently beams, watching her children eat, and I slowly realize how no sadness kisses her features. It is the first time I notice this since my dad's passing and I cannot help but feel myself smiling at the thought.

Though my contentment is short-lived.

We are together, watching television, when the stroke of eleven-thirty dings softly from our cuckoo clock. A knock upon the door sounds and I fight back a snarl; already sensing who lingers on the opposite side of the wood. Seth bounds to the door, letting Sam in with a warm welcome; my mother gets to her feet and hugs him, proclaiming how wonderful it is that I have been found and safely returned home. He then looks at me with his large, dark eyes and gooseflesh prickles my skin. His whispered words engulf me in emotion. "I am so glad you are back."

It is then that I realize something – a fatal flaw in my plans:  
The moment I shift, my mind will be an open book.

Suddenly frozen, I grip the chair with both hands. "I – maybe I should not go out tonight," I stammer, "I just got home, you know." I glance weakly to my mother, praying she will be the defensive mother hen and refuse to let her daughter traipse through the woods. But I see the expression on her face; fixated so lovingly upon Sam. She will never quite understand that I have lost him; however much woe this creates for her.

"I will be fine, Leah, knowing you are safe with Sam. Go, have fun." I grimace slightly. Fun? Has she no idea that she sends me into the arms of agony? Biting my lip I get to my feet with hesitation, stubbornly refusing to meet his gaze as I pass Sam on the way to the door. When I reach my mother I kiss her cheek before disappearing into the dark of night.

My heart aches as I move, acting as though he is not trailing me. For a good five minutes I continue, heading toward the border between La Push and Forks. I do not shift, I do not waver; remaining in human form I press forward into the darkness, forcing my mind to think of anything but the incident from a few nights prior. For a few moments, I succeed. Then, as his voice breaks the stillness, my mind goes blank.

"Leah?" he whispers to me – so close to my ear that I jerk away from him. "Please, Leah, don't… I – I was worried."

I snarl slightly, cringing from him as he tries to loop his arm around my shoulders. I say nothing, simply continue to stalk forward, lengthening my strides so as to distance us.

"Leah please don't do this."

Again, nothing.

"Leah – I love you."

My footsteps abruptly stop, long hair swirling around my face as a gentle breeze caresses my skin. I cannot turn to face him, though I wish to; I instead stand, dumbly, in place.

It is as though I can feel my freedom ripping itself from me.


	5. Chapter 5

His hand is now upon my arm, gripping it tightly. "Leah, did you hear me?" I am silent, but I nod. He frowns. "You didn't answer me." His tone is accusatory, laced with annoyance and I feel anger fluster within me. I bite down upon my lower lip for a moment, resisting the urge, trying to block memories from my might, fighting to regain control. It only lasts so long before I snap.

Wrenching my arm from his grasp, I snarl a guttural sound in his direction and whirl to face him. "Don't fuckin' touch me," I snap, feeling my body tremble. "What do you want from me Sam? Want to see me grovel? Want to hear me beg and plead that I love you, take me back? Want me to disown my very cousin and forget your imprinting upon her?" I am raging now, I can feel my body losing control and before I have the chance to soothe my aching heart, I burst into a flurry of light and fur, landing upon all fours.

Thank God he had the sanity in mind to step away from me, as I barely miss striking him with my heavy paws. Before I realize it he has changed and leaps toward me, his enormous frame taking my smaller one to the ground. I land heavily on my right shoulder and snarl at him, curling my neck to snap at his throat. I miss by a long shot – he is far too capable in his secondary form whereas I am agile but unnatural as a wolf – I instead feel pressure hauling me to the damp moss-covered ground. Incapable of fighting back I begin to relax, the snarls slowly ceasing as my muscles begin to thaw. The last to fall is my head, limp to the pillow of grass below, and I whimper softly.

I hate being subject to an Alpha who has broken my heart.

Generously he backs away, giving me full reign over my body once more. I shake myself, disgusted, and glance around me. I had not wanted to morph into this phase, for now my mind is an open book to him. In my wrath I had lost control, and now could not revert for my clothing was shredded, in piles around us. Grimacing inwardly I try to think about anything but…

_Carlisle?_

I turn to him, a severe glare aiming itself to his eyes. But he does not heed my warning, ignoring the subtle growl that passes between us.

_Why on earth are you thinking about Carlisle? And Esme?_

I ignore him, shaking my entire body again – shaking the thoughts from me – and I begin to trot further into the woods. We are close to the border but I am not appeased. The more I distract him, the less he will pry. At least, this is my goal. Blithely I take to a lope, leaping over a fallen log that obstructs my created path. He is left behind me, standing and contemplating, and does not follow immediately. When I reach the border I settle down beneath a large willow tree and place my head upon my paws. Nearly fifteen minutes pass before I see his large frame, nothing but a shadow of my past, lingering near me. _Leah…_

_It's nothing Sam._

He is not ignorant to my agitation yet he continues to plow onward in the manner that frustrates me most. He never knows when to stop; he never has, he likely never will. I bristle at the thought, but he carries on with his interrogation. _I know you don't wanna talk about it…_

_Then don't ask_, I interject. _If you respect me then you will drop the subject._

Silence as he considers this, then his massive head shakes slightly. _I care too much about you to just ignore this whirlwind of thoughts you are giving to me. I want to understand_, he tries to explain.

_Understand what? How you shattered my heart by leaving me for my cousin with no explanation? How I was left to nurse my wounds while you and your little cult pranced around in the spotlight of La Push? How I killed my own father and came to realize that because of these stupid blood suckers, I have lost everything? My father and my love have been stripped from me. For what else must I be forced to live?_ I do not think before I demand this of him and instantly I regret it. Life, death – taboo topics that remind me…

I see the horror reflected in his eyes as he catches my thoughts. _Leah…_

_Drop it, Sam; seriously you are the last person I want to discuss this with, alright? _

_You clearly plan on discussing it with no one, your own mother thinks you fell ill!_

_It is none of your business who knows what about my life. Were it not for this wretched curse you would have no idea! Hell if it was not for Carlisle and his stupid vampire bat clan, I would have had no reason to try and kill myself!  
_  
Stillness embraces us as a silence falls. I can see sorrow mirrored in his eyes, but I neither do not back down nor do I apologize. I am on my feet – though I do not recall standing – and I feel my glare penetrating his thick shell. Boldly I remain, unwavering in stance, as I watch him shrink away from me, tail between his legs as he slips into the shadows. I wish for him to leave completely, but am irked to hear him simply drop to his stomach in the bushes beyond my range of sight. However, I will take what I can get and in mournful, angry silence we coexist.

Barely. 


	6. Chapter 6

The stillness is interrupted by him, after moments that drag into what seem to be weeks. I do not move, but listen as he sorrowfully whispers to me from the deepest chasms of his mind. _Leah – you believe it was so easy for me to leave you. I admit it was heartless how I did so, and I wish I could have explained then why it came to be. But you cannot believe I could simply stop caring for you – stop loving you,_ he states. _I was ready to propose to you,_ he continues, causing me to cringe slightly, _and then – this. But I have not forgotten you and I still care; probably more than I should and perhaps more than you wish for me to do so. But I do. _

I am silent. My mind revels in this serenity, for I cannot find a single emotion to tag to myself. No response finds me, for I am baffled. He is right, I did believe, so readily so, that he had already forgotten. I consistently compared – still do – myself to Emily and believed that I was the lesser of two perfections. I still believe this, though it was more defined when he had broken up with me. Slowly I am breaking free of my shell, emerging from my cocoon and trying to find myself.

His confession makes this a painful process.

_Sam, I never wanted to believe you would stop loving me,_ I inform him. _But what more could I do? There was no hope for me; I had to let go and try to be brave, be strong – for Emily's sake. She is my cousin and was a dear friend of mine._ Shamefully we are somewhat estranged, entirely my fault, though I had agreed to be in the wedding party at her request. _What could I do? I did not understand. I knew that you had left me for her after letting your eyes fall upon her for but a moment. How could my heart bear such a burden but to believe you had already forgotten me?_

He emerges from the bushes and approaches me – I stiffen but do not flinch as he touches me. His large head rests atop mine as he flops down beside me, one large paw crushing my own smaller one. A gentle sigh leaves him and for a moment, neither of us speaks. I can feel him and though I know it is not the same, I am finally at peace.

_Leaving you was so difficult, even if I made it easy. I had hoped you would be strong independent Leah and forget me. I never had thought – never dreamed – you would become the first female…_ He trails off and I say nothing, knowing what is on his mind. Nobody had expected me to become one of the pack, especially not my own father. _I simply thought you would carry on and we could keep our distances and heal. When I heard the news, I knew you could finally understand why, but I knew it would never erase the pain._

I shift myself slightly beneath his weight and his head falls to my paws, pleading eyes staring into mine. _I know you used to love me_, is all I can say to him, averting my gaze to avoid those sad puppy-gazes he gives to me; as he once used to when he wanted something simple – a kiss, a hug, my love.

_I still love you_, he insists, but I shake my head at him. _I always will, Leah. I know it cannot be easy having me as your alpha and being in my thoughts so often, as well as being forced to share yours with me. But I beg you, please do not hurt yourself for my sake. You are a beautiful creature, inside and out; rough around the edges just makes you more endearing._ I am smiling inside, but do not admit this. He already knows. _Your time will come too. Please do not cut yourself short; make your father proud and know… I will always love you. _

My gaze returns to his and I see the genuine verity that flickers from within his eyes. I nod. _I'm sorry_, is all I can say – for once being the one of such few words.

He growls slightly. _I want to be friends, not just packmates,_ he insists. _I want you to come to me when you need someone; I want to know that you will stop trying to hide from me. I want to protect you, as your alpha and your friend; someone who loves you. And don't even tell me, I know – you don't need protection. But let me be there for you._Were I in human form, I would be crying. My throat is dry and I nod again. _I promise,_ I respond within my mind, watching as he gets to his feet and begins to move away from me. I realize – our shift has ended – and suddenly am ready to slip into my bed and have another good cry.

_I love you Leah Clearwater. Never forget that; I will always love you, my first and forever. _

Before I can respond he moves, loping away from me, vanishing into the darkness. I get to my feet and watch, listening until his thoughts fade from my mind. He may not be within sight, but I know he is out there and he is watching. Slowly I trot through the woods and do not stop until I am in sight of my house. I brace myself then change, rummaging through the underbrush for a towel I have conveniently hidden for such dismal opportunity as my current nakedness.

Just as I reach the front porch, however, I turn and glance back to the dark forests – knowing, he is out there. And to the winds, I whisper, "I love you too, Sam. Always and forever."

- - -

Author's Note : This will definitely not be the last you see me writing a story about Leah, because she is – by far – my favorite character from Twilight. Have a request? Please feel free to submit it via review or message and thank you so kindly for reading.

xox


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